Author Topic: An Emotional Test (Read 4840 times)

ColSteve · « **on:** August 04, 2014, 02:21:53 AM »

Alan and others on this forum have written some great words about the emotional aspects of the ankle OCD injury that have helped me deal with this.

As someone who absolutely loves running and triathlons, my ankle OCD (Aug. 2013, still holding on with conservative treatment, but not running), has had a significant emotional toll on me. I have stayed pretty upbeat, but it still hurts to see people go jogging by.

I had a good emotional test today as there was a full Ironman Triathlon nearby in Boulder. I did a half Ironman a few years ago and doing a full Ironman was one of my lifelong dreams. After waking up saying I didn’t want to be anywhere near the Boulder Ironman, I knew I wanted to go down and see it. I went down in the evening to the finish line to watch the athletes roll in. It was really emotional, listening to the announcer call out each athlete by name as they crossed the line, and tell them, “You’re an Ironman.”

I so badly wanted to be one of them, and knew that without this ankle OCD, I probably could do it (albeit with a pretty slow time). Then my ankle felt a little better and I was scheming again, how can I beat this, maybe as the last thing I did before surgery (nah, seems like a dumb idea), maybe I could walk the marathon. I think I could avg. 4 mph = 6.5 hrs for the ‘thon. That could work.

Then as I headed to the car, my ankle started hurting more and I sank back into reality. There isn’t going to be an Ironman for me and in 12 hours I was going to be walking, with a slight gimp, back into another work week. But, I told myself, there isn’t going to be an Ironman for most people and they find a way to survive, so get over it.

I am still really glad I went to see the triathlon, to get a glimpse of the exhilaration. And my Ironman dream lives on as a tiny flicker of light, however unlikely it may be to ever come true. But hey, who knows, maybe in 15 years, the docs will conquer the demon of regrowing cartilage and it will be good times for us all!! Steve

mhop · « **Reply #1 on:** August 05, 2014, 08:59:50 PM »

Thanks for sharing this. I relate a lot, having run since age 12, run as a Div I athlete and then some pretty fast half-marathons up until age 29 when it all went to hell. To this day, I do not want to be around races. I've also had to branch out and distance myself from running friends (which sucks, because I met some pretty cool people through running). But, I no longer have that shared identity and connection with them. I do what I can to ignore my past (as a runner) and to not get bitter at what others have which I no longer have.

Some days I think I'm at peace with it; other days I get bitter, and it took me quite a while after my diagnosis to actually stop running to minimize further damage. I just had a 9 month post-surgery (denovo) appointment, and now, it's looking like I may one day run again. would I ever want to try to run a sub 1:28 half? Doubtful. More like, I might want to run a faster mile or just recreationally jog a bit. It's hard to let go of competitive running but that seems like the thing to do. Running is tough on the body particularly once you get one of these injuries.

It took me a while to accept this and to let go of my rigid mindset of I am a runner, that is what I do, that is the only sport I enjoy. Lately, climbing has been great for me. Not the same, but fun in new ways. Also, post-surgery walking on crutches was rather exhilarating., At some point, I developed the willingness to try kayaking and even yoga. Lately, I've started walking uphill at a steep grade on the treadmill. whatever I can do to get endorphins.

Really, all I want to do is run, but I've had to deal with reality. I don't know what I miss most about running. The competitive outlet? The success? The training and running out in nature? The social connections? It is a huge loss, and I've struggled finding people who can understand that without just saying 'get over it' or "being unable to run is a high class problem.' When you lose something you love it is hard. Finding new beginnings can help somewhat. Finding people who can listen and 'get it' without being demeaning is also great (though hard at times). That's why I love this forum. Best of luck with everything.

dave1234 · « **Reply #2 on:** August 07, 2014, 08:04:30 AM »

Seems like we are all coping with the same challenges about having to give up/curtail our active lifestyle

When I retired from rugby (super league/div I, highest level in the US) I really missed it - the camaraderie, competitiveness - and got much more into climbing, hiking, trail running, mountain biking as replacements. Now I've had to stop doing these also - and its been a tough adjustment. I've had to get creative in the gym (aka my basement) as a means to get the exercise I need!

But things are progressing well after surgery (albeit slowly, and with some downs along the way) - so I'm optimistic I'll be able to get back to these activities eventually, although likely at a lower level of intensity vs. before. So there goes my plan to climb Denali - although - Steve - similar to you, maybe a tiny hope lives on!

emilytri · « **Reply #3 on:** October 12, 2014, 01:30:14 AM »

I can't even begin to describe how I felt after stumbling upon this forum, particularly this thread.

I'm now 1 week post-op of my second surgery, R ankle DeNovo, after a failed microfracture one year ago. After two surgeries and the worst physical pain I have ever experienced (day 2 post-op).. still nothing can compare to the emotional pain that I struggle with because of this injury.

I was a competitive soccer player, runner, and avid skier my entire life, then threw my soccer career out the window once I had surgery #1 (I gave away my soccer ball to a friend.. couldn't look at it during recovery). After getting over the initial wave of depression, I bought a bike, began to swim, and found love. Then, I got cleared to run and that's when things really took off and I blame myself for pushing too fast too soon.. triathlons became my new passion and drive. I loved to race, and was training for an Ironman when I found out everything had failed again. I was at my peak of fitness again- with intentions of running Boston, and dreams of Kona.. and then it all ended. I lost all of it, and the community I had built around me with these activities- my triathlon team and other sporty friends who didn't understand this isn't just a broken ankle, and that no, I wouldn't be back for a long, long time.

I quit running immediately. I turned one race into an aquabike (swim+bike portions), and withdrew completely from the Ironman. Although, I, like ColSteve, still toyed with the idea of doing it anyway... I could "walk" the marathon part? Make it my last big bang before getting surgery anyway? Or, just do the first two legs.. but would I have the self control to force disqualify myself? Probably not. In the end, I entertained the ideas, but fear of making things irreversible kept me from following through.

I watched my friend complete his first Ironman last month, and thousands of other people cross that finish line and complete the dream I had been chasing after. This was the hardest thing I have ever done- I was happy I was there for him, but I do not think I will be watching anymore races. Even at a local half marathon, I couldn't help but tear up from a mix of sadness, jealousy, and bitterness.

Some days, I'm optimistic- maybe I'll be able to run again one day. Race again in 2017? Or just adapt and adjust.. get good at swimming or biking and be happy with it. So far, these other activities have gotten me some newfound happiness, but I think for me, running/skiing will always be a sore spot. Some days, I'm pretty down, and wish I could just quit, let my muscles waste away- try and live the life everyone else wants me to live.. "oh it's just running.. you can pick up painting, volunteering, or why don't you try other non athletic activities?" or "you don't have to be so intense, watch movies and relax or something".. They're well intentioned but.. they don't get it, it doesn't work like that. Emotionally, these were some of the most isolating moments of my life, where I have never felt so alone.

I'm not sure what will happen as I recover from this second surgery, and if this will "fail" also.. I still hope that maybe one day I'll wake up and they'll have found a way to regenerate cartilage. Until then, I still have plans to rehab the ankle incredibly slowly and cautiously, swim, bike, and maybe one day.. just maybe- I'll run and ski again.

On my down days, I look to this forum, and hold onto that very small hope, for the motivation and will to keep trying to be active- to not just give up. I look forward to keep hearing everyone's stories, triumphs and struggles, as they are very much my own. Best of luck to everyone out there.

ocdnetadmin · « **Reply #4 on:** March 17, 2021, 11:50:51 PM »

Thanks for sharing your insights on the emotions involved. I knew I wasn't the only one.

What makes this somewhat unique among injuries is the lack of knowledge and clear path involved, which makes it harder to move through the 5 stages of grief. We're never quite sure where we should be on the 5 stages because while some of us have made it to 'Acceptance' (5th and final stage), there are still glimmers of hope from the next surgery, whether it be another MF, OATs, denovo, or stem cell fantasies.

So we're forever in this kind of limbo stage in between Depression and Acceptance (4th and 5th stages) or Acceptance and something else like hope (5th and xth stages), just kind of waiting around, sometimes bouncing back to the 3rd stage (bargaining) and then beginning the cycle again.

Me, i've been in a kind of apathetic acceptance stage for 15 years, during which I haven't really done much research, but there is a stage beyond that, which is HOPE lol. Every so often i pop back in and see if there's any surgery options that could fully restore my ankle. Right now OATS isn't worth the risk to me because my ankle is at around 60% and I can still walk on it. I still have hope of something groundbreaking coming out. Maybe i'll need to wait another 15 years.

JefferyTeemy · « **Reply #5 on:** February 10, 2024, 09:17:17 AM »

What a cruddy test.... it should at least have been open book

And who the heck asks how much a lawyer charges before even seeing if they CAN represent you? Oh, wait, every moron who calls me asking how much a divorce is...

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